Hello lovelies!! I KNOW it’s been an incredibly long time since I’ve written, but I wanted to get back to something else I love to do-talk and polish! 🙂 A lot has been happening since we last spoke. I gave away hundreds of my polishes, I started my business, Dark Moon Esscentuals, my coworker retired and I’m doing both of our work for who knows how long, and I’ve suffered through a severe bout of depression. And that my friends is what I wanted to talk to you about today.
If you’re new here to Mental Breaks and Manis let me catch you up. I’m a Indie Polish Addict with a pretty much life long case of severe Clinical Depression. So when I say I get it- I freakin’ get it! I used to like to say I suffer from chronic Clinical Depression with occasional breaks of sunshine!! But it’s truly no joke. As young as I can remember I’ve suffered from low self esteem, no self worth, etc. And the insidious part of depression is it’s ability to make you feel so desperately alone in a room full of friends/family/people. And recently the nail community lost another sister to depression and she will be missed!
I was on the periphery of people who knew her, but listening to those who did, she was bright, funny, caring, thoughtful, and so much more! So what makes men and women like this now angel end it? What makes them feel that there is nothing left, that not one more day can pass? What does? Depression! In all forms and levels this is exactly what I called it before- F’ING INSIDIOUS!!! And sometimes we don’t realize just how many people care. And at one point, we stop caring.
Is it Fate that chooses who holds on or who doesn’t? Is it a Higher Power? Who the hell knows, this isn’t a debate on who’s beliefs are better. But can you find solace and strength in your religion, or spiritual beliefs? YES! But beating back depression is not as easy as some people think! I’ve heard “snap out of it” “why are you this way?” (that one I’ve asked myself several times) “this is your fault, you just have to pray”, and many other ridiculous things that someone in the throes of a bout of depression does NOT need to hear! You just don’t! So what are the magic words? Are there any? For some there is. For others, ending your life seems the only answer.
I’ve put an IG group together for those of us (right now it’s just us nail addicts, lol) who suffer from depression of any form. What goes on in Safe Haven stays in Safe Haven! And I founded it because I realized that so many of us “creative types” suffer from depression, bi polar, etc. and that the common theme was we all suffer alone most of the time. And I didn’t want to suffer alone. I’ve been in and out of the Mental Health system off and on since I was 12, and until I found my recent therapist, the so called therapists and counselors I saw did not help at all! One therapist I had expressed my plan to end my life- how I was going to do it, and everything- and she just looked at me said “yeah it’s hard sometimes” and let me walk out of the room!!
Now at the time I had no idea that she wasn’t supposed to let me go and that I could have been put under Mental Health arrest, but I know now. And one therapist kicked me out of the practice because he wanted me to participate in DBT therapy-which I had unsuccessfully done before-and I didn’t want to because DBT did not work for me, and I politely told him that I did not feel that the therapy would work because it was unsuccessful before. So guess who got kicked out?! That man was a JACKASS!!
My point with sharing that is even if you have a therapist, they can be very detrimental to your Mental Health. Especially if they’re overworked, underpaid, or just don’t give a general fuck! My current therapist is the BOMB!! She’s amazing! And when I looked at her and said “will this work? Can I be helped?”, she not only said yes, she proved to me how it would work and set my expectations accordingly!
I was in crisis mode recently, I felt alone, I felt worthless, and I just wanted it to stop, so I went onto Safe Haven and I spoke with people who reminded me I’m not alone. We celebrate each others’ accomplishments and support each others’ lows, and that’s what saved me this time. That and getting back to my therapist. And my friend Inge, from another world away-she sent me this:
And I didn’t feel so very alone anymore….